My First Kiss

In the spirit of Valentine's Day as it approaches, there is a new TV commercial for Victoria's Secret. The superhuman models are showing their human side by describing their first kiss(es)....and most of them were awkward, in fact. They're saying cute things about their teeth clicking together and other cute anecdotes. Very cute. Very innocent. They're giggling with delight. In their dainties. Whatevah.

It got me to thinking about my own first kiss. And then I shuddered. With disgust.

Let's step back in time, shall we? It was a school dance, one where the girl invites the boy. For some reason completely unbeknownst to me today, I wanted to invite a boy I'll affectionately call Speedy Gonzalez.

It took my everything, along with the support of 5 or 6 of my closest g-friends to ask him to go with me. I don't think I'd ever said a word to him before that and to his credit, the boy was sweet and accepted a date with someone he probably hadn't seen before. (This should've been my first clue. Why was this boy who I thought was so cute, still available?)

The date for the dance came and we doubled with another couple. I'd heard the girl was on the slutty side by her own admission, but I thought she was all talk. About halfway through the dance, we adjourned outside for some air. The four of us were talking about something when I noticed it was just myself and SG doing all the talking. My friend and her date were busy kissing in the darkness. This would've been the perfect opportunity for SG to move right in, but he feigned embarrassment, probably after seeing my own terror. It made me feel comfortable with SG. We went back inside the gym and danced some more.

At the end of the night, SG and I went for milkshakes (hey, we were just kids) and then it was time to take me home. I was having a good time, but wasn't feeling any kind of spark. I figured he felt the same as we were walking to my door. Oh my stars, what a gentleman he was being! He didn't need to walk me to the door. I thought to myself, it's too bad I don't like him that way.

Famous last thoughts.

I'd planned on giving him an innocent peck on the cheek just to be polite. SG said he'd had fun and then, before I could respond at all, his mouth inhaled the area of my face from my nostrils to just under my chin. My head hit the doorframe so hard that it just made my jaws open wider, if that's possible. I felt like the bowling ball in that vacuum commercial! And ewwww, something was going down my throat, too! Up to that point no one had fully explained French kissing to me. It felt like some sort of fat eel - all slimy and wriggling. Though I've never seen "Alien," I was probably picturing something like that entering my digestive system via my throat. It seemed to go on for 20 minutes. In hindsight I'm sure all of this took place in less than 20 seconds. A long and miserable 20 seconds!

When he'd thorougly checked my tonsils for nodes, he released the vacuum seal and was gone into the darkness. Thankfully. I let myself inside and there was my mother and father, awaiting a report on my first real date. I gave them the rundown and went upstairs to my room.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Oh the horror. The skin from my nose to my chin was speckled where the capillaries had burst and I was shiny from the slobber that was once SG's. Fully one-third of my face had a hickey.

Choking back the vomit that wanted to make itself known, I put on my jammies, washed off the spittle and gave myself the best dental cleaning ever. I slunk into bed and tried to erase the memory of the evening. It's a wonder I ever kissed a boy after that.

Eh, I got over it. I'm funny that way.