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Dallas, Texas, United States

Monday, May 19, 2008

Self-Tanners And The Woes Of Whitey

Though my figure is eerily similar to the lady above (and by similar I mean short, waxy and grassy at times), I am sometimes hard-of-hearing as she is and I will be donning the ole coconut push-up bra in Kauai next month for Todd's 60th Bday Camporee (story to follow later), this is where the similarities end.

I am in a quandary and I need your advice.

I am a redhead by birth. I am white. Really white. I put the crack in cracker. And though I've spent years of attempting to defy the laws of Nature by basking in the sun, I have finally come to the realization that I will never be tanned, nor tall. At least not without the aid of a self-tanner and high heels.

Don't even try to tell me that tanning beds are the way to go, because I've been there and all that did was speed up the process of the sunburn and thus, the peel. Not pretty at all. And it makes my grass skirt cling.

Short of wearing pantyhose with sandals and I'm not decrepit YET, so I still have my dignity, this leaves me with the only other option remaining.

Sunless-tanners. Yes, that's the ticket.

I've found one that is designed to give a "gradual glow" in the form of a body lotion. It is also designed for fair maidens such as myself. I am nothing, if not realistic.

Here's the quandary: the directions specify that the product is best applied after exfoliation and that if applied daily, the glow will gradually glow darker until desired results are accomplished. But if I exfoliate daily, so as to apply the product daily, am I not just scrubbing off the previous day's glow?

And in case you're wondering...this entry is not just for entertainment's sake, nor is it just so that I can have something to post - I'm completely at a loss here. Ladies (and metrosexuals) - help me out. I need your best advice about this stuff and I need it pronto.

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Steel Magnolia

Hi folks. Well, 24 hours after my last entry, my mother passed away very peacefully, softly, sweetly. She was indeed a fighter until the end.

My brother absolutely had to be out of town from last Wednesday until Friday night, which left me feeling quite alone. Mom had time and time again asked that he & I be at her side when the time came, so you can figure that I was nervous that he would not be there.

That day, I had been with her a good portion of the day, however a very good friend of mine had flown into town that afternoon. I figured I could grab a bite of dinner and get back to Mom's pretty quickly.

We had a great time at dinner - and a couple of cocktails, which would come in handy later on. After dinner, my brother called to say he'd made it back into town and was wanting a report on Mom's condition. We decided to meet at her place as soon as possible, just in case.

He got there a few minutes before I did and got to have a few minutes of private time with her, before he tended to some of her mail in the kitchen. I got there and had a few minutes of private time myself, before I joined my brother in the kitchen to iron out some "what if's" with him. Not 3 minutes later, the hospice nurse called us into the room. Mom was gone. She absolutely had waited for her children to come back before she left for a much better place. According to the hospice nurse, Mom suddenly turned her head up towards the ceiling, her eyes making contact with something or someone who made her smile sweetly, and then she just stopped breathing...the slight smile still on her face.

Even in her frail condition, she had held on strong. That's what I mean by "steel magnolia." A beautiful southern woman with the unbelievable strength of steel. Funny thing is: her favorite flower was the magnolia.

Fly with the angels, Mom, surrounded by lovely scented magnolias. I love you.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Diary of a Mad Housewife

Hello, my chitlins. Here I am again, throwing myself upon your mercy, apologizing for being delinquent with the blog thingy. I don't want to bum out your day, but I've practically been on round-the-clock vigil with my mother for the last 11 days or so. Unfortunately, we all have to die and she's no exception, though she's taking her time, as she told a friend she would. Yup, it's a bummer. But let me say wow, mom's one strong woman! And let me also say the hospice system is awesome.

But enough of that.

Today I had to run back to the grocery store after work. I say "back" because, as lack-of-luck would have it, somehow my loaf of bread didn't make it into my bags yesterday. Grrrr. Oh well, they made good and let me go grab a loaf and didn't even take a look at my receipt. Damn, why didn't I say I wanted some of this:

Have you ever? This is the single most brilliant product name I've seen in a long, long while. I didn't have time to pick up a bottle, but I most certainly believe one of these has my name on it. Okay okay, I know I'm not a housewife, but I can surely go mad at times...mostly this past week or two. So there.

Anyway, y'all be good and hopefully I'll be posting a little more regularly real soon.