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Dallas, Texas, United States

Monday, May 19, 2008

Self-Tanners And The Woes Of Whitey

Though my figure is eerily similar to the lady above (and by similar I mean short, waxy and grassy at times), I am sometimes hard-of-hearing as she is and I will be donning the ole coconut push-up bra in Kauai next month for Todd's 60th Bday Camporee (story to follow later), this is where the similarities end.

I am in a quandary and I need your advice.

I am a redhead by birth. I am white. Really white. I put the crack in cracker. And though I've spent years of attempting to defy the laws of Nature by basking in the sun, I have finally come to the realization that I will never be tanned, nor tall. At least not without the aid of a self-tanner and high heels.

Don't even try to tell me that tanning beds are the way to go, because I've been there and all that did was speed up the process of the sunburn and thus, the peel. Not pretty at all. And it makes my grass skirt cling.

Short of wearing pantyhose with sandals and I'm not decrepit YET, so I still have my dignity, this leaves me with the only other option remaining.

Sunless-tanners. Yes, that's the ticket.

I've found one that is designed to give a "gradual glow" in the form of a body lotion. It is also designed for fair maidens such as myself. I am nothing, if not realistic.

Here's the quandary: the directions specify that the product is best applied after exfoliation and that if applied daily, the glow will gradually glow darker until desired results are accomplished. But if I exfoliate daily, so as to apply the product daily, am I not just scrubbing off the previous day's glow?

And in case you're wondering...this entry is not just for entertainment's sake, nor is it just so that I can have something to post - I'm completely at a loss here. Ladies (and metrosexuals) - help me out. I need your best advice about this stuff and I need it pronto.


Swishy said...

Depending on what kind it is, you probably don't need to exfoliate EVERY day ... maybe every other? With something gentle? (Bath and Body Works has a good, gentle scrub.)

The Jergens Daily Glow stuff, for example, you definitely do not need to exfoliate every time ... I did once before I started and then I was fine. Good luck!

CruiserMel said...

Thanks Swish. Mine's not the Jergen's brand, but it's similar (Dove, I think), so I'm going to give your advice a try. Spreading it evenly is key, too, I guess.

Anonymous said...

if your turn orange...I'm changing your link to read oompa loompa.

tee hee.

Sassy Blondie said...

Might I suggest the spray that Neutrogena makes? You can actually get your hands without having to touch them and get the Agent Orange glow. And one important note: DO NOT USE THE REGULAR STUFF FOR YOUR FACE. I REPEAT: DO NOT USE THE REGULAR STUFF FOR YOUR FACE.

Get the stuff made especially for that area. :) I'm so jealous...my absolute favorite island is Kaui because it's not too touristy yet. Yet another reason to love/hate you, Cruiser!

Jacki said...

I love Kauaii!

I also vote for Neutrogena. I have tried both Loreal this season and Neutrogena. So far Loreal has a slight orange tint on me. I'm very VERY fair. Neutrogena is very light but believable and even better so far no streaks!

darnelle said...

Mel, go get it sprayed on. You can go to a place where you stand there and the machine sprays you (front & back) $25-35. Or you can smear that junk on and your palms WILL turn orangy if you don't scrub it off with lots of soap! There are also tanning beds by
Omega where all burning rays are taken out and you don't burn. (16 minutes is the max in them) $35 bucks a pop. Then there is the option of having a sprayed tan where they do you...around $65 and they know how to make it smooth, (even) and it don't smell none either!! My sister is a hair, makeup and beauty agent so I always know the latest crap about the exciting world of beauty...Also who just got their eyes, boobs and lipo done....any questions just call!

I can't wait to see you!