CruiserMel: Superhero

I was just reading about Swishy's recent brush with death or perversion and it reminded me about a time the hidden superhero in me decided to throw me under the bus and risk my life.

It was a dark and stormy night. No, I'm not trying to set a scene in a movie. It really was a dark and stormy night, k? I'm not sure why I chose this particular time to do my grocery shopping, but I'm sure there was pizza or toilet paper involved, two items I cannot live without.

I headed over to my favorite Kroger and played hunter/gatherer (also known as the person who puts things in a buggy and pays for them.) I recall having an unusually full buggy as I made my way outside into that dark and stormy night. What? Okay, so maybe I am trying to throw some atmosphere into the story. Deal with it.

As I said before, it was raining just enough that I needed to open my $10 WalMart collapsible umbrella to keep my tresses dry and frizz-free. Are you getting the picture here? I've got one hand holding my umbrella and my purse and the other is pushing a quite unruly buggy across the parking lot. Pretty and oh so graceful, I'm sure. It's a pity Prince Charming wasn't there to ride up on his white horse and take me away right then and there.

My car was parked maybe 4 or 5 spaces away from the front door on the left side. I saw a woman loading groceries into her car, 4 or 5 spaces away from the front door on the right side. I was moving pretty slowly, wonky-wheeled buggy and all, you know. Or maybe it was just the usual sense of moving in slow-motion beginning to set in.

Suddenly, an older Cadillac comes driving towards us, going the wrong direction. That's not so unusual in that parking lot - there are alot of assholes who don't know how to navigate a parking lot at my Kroger.

All at once, the Cadillac stops, the driver gets out and starts to grab the lady's purse from her. And she's not going to give it up to save her soul. (First rule - stupid stupid stupid.) The two of them had a virtual tug-of-war going on and neither one wanted to let go.

I heard a female voice shouting. It was me. And I sounded like one bad-ass mo-fo. *big grin* It sounded like I was channelling a roller-derby chick or Ethel Merman, one or the other.

"Hey. Hey. Hey! HEY!", Ethel shouted.

At that instant, I abandoned my buggy (yep, there WAS toilet paper involved....I remember now, because it got soaking wet in the rain) and ran like a woman possessed towards the damsel in distress.

The $10 WalMart collapsible umbrella did just that.....it collapsed. Mary Poppins I am not. I started beating the man over the head and neck with this laughable weapon. Why I didn't try to poke his eyes out with it, I'll never know. (Apparently, I need a tune-up self-defense course. Noted.)

I was seriously whoopin' this guy's ass, well head, and almost emerged victorious, when suddenly the purse strap broke and the guy got the purse and got back in the car to drive off.

I heard Ethel Merman shouting again. She was shouting the license number over and over again so that someone, anyone, would write it down. (Ethel's not good at remembering these things in times of duress.) It seemed like a good idea at the time. As it turns out, it is a good idea, because someone actually did write it down and the scumbag was caught the next day. Of course, the whole ordeal was caught on videotape, too. I told you some people are stupid at my Kroger.

A couple of weeks later, I was contacted by a detective who brought out a photo line-up for me to my office. (I have to admit, I really wanted to go down to "headquarters" and go behind one of those two-way mirrors and say "that's the guy, third from the left," but maybe they don't do that in real life. Bummer.) I successfully I.D.d the perp (heh) and he didn't even go to trial. He'd been caught, red-handed. He pled guilty immediately and waived his right to trial. Double bummer. I love that stuff. I wanted to be on CourtTV, ferheavenssake. Loser.

Disclaimer: Don't do as I did. That was so foolish, for both myself and for the other woman. This guy could've been armed and desperate. Luckily, he was just a big chicken who lived with his mother and had stolen mommy's car so he could go get beer money. Yeah, beer money.

Bottom line: Just because you are armed with a $10 WalMart collapsible umbrella doesn't necessarily mean that it's a good idea to interfere with a purse-snatchin', my chitlins.