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Dallas, Texas, United States

Monday, November 05, 2007

Life Is A Lemon

See that fruit up there? Yeah. That's what I've been living with for the past four days.

Ya see, something got into me and I decided I'd punished my poor little body long enough with all my shenanigans. It was time to take charge and make some improvements.

Don't worry, my little chitlins, like most of my schemes, this is only temporary. This is not the end of fun for CruiserMel. Shut your mouth!

What really happened was a shopping trip for some fall clothes. Oh, the horror. I tell ya, it was awful. And I don't play like that.

So - I heard from a friend about something called The Master Cleanse. Have ya heard of it? Well, if you haven't yet heard of this thing, you're going to hear about it now.

I know how much you people like to write about / hear about poop, but I just can't bring myself to write about that now. Probably ever. Why? Because I've been close pals with my bathroom habits over these past 4 days. Believe me. Just believe me.

Basically, the Master Cleanse is one that detoxifies the body and, if done religiously, should result in better health, better eating habits, weight-loss (yay!), and mental / spiritual clarity.

I'm not quite sure I'm in this thing for the clarity, because I kind of like the comfortable fog I wander around in most of the time, but that weight-loss is pretty sweet. Oh yeah, blah blah blah....better health and eating habits....whatever. (You just know I'll be dialing me up some Domino's as soon as I go back on regular food. Rewards, honey, rewards. Oh all right, I'll add a couple of veggies to my turkey pepperoni. Happy now?)

In the meantime, I start every morning with 32 oz of spring water with sea salt mixed into it. Did you read that? Thirty-two ounces. No, not in enema form - but by mouth. To say this little chore is a booger would not be an untruth. This is the foulest thing in the world. It's a good thing I do this before fully waking, because I could never do this with my eyes open. I've yet to figure out a palatable way to do this other than just gulping it down and praying I don't puke it right back up into the kitchen sink. Cold. Hot. Warm. Room-temp. Doesn't matter - it's plain awful. But it's integral to making this cleanse work.

Then after that literally passes, usually within the hour, I am set for the day. At least six times a day I have a yummy glass of lemonade, of sorts. It's the juice and pulp of one organic lemon, mixed with spring water, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. Did I just lose you? C'mon back - this part is actually the good part. I've grown really fond of my little lemonade drinks. Seriously. Who knew a person could crave lemons? I have never been one to put lemon in my tea or even one who likes lemon meringue pie. Okay, lemon squares = best part of going to bridal and baby showers. But I digress...

Between lemonades, I eat nothing else at all and drink nothing but spring water. This leaves out all forms of bourbon or vodka and certainly leaves out all things pizza-like. I've checked it out and basically, these things are no-no's.

But ya know - bear with me, I'm not possessed by the devil - I'm diggin' it. Not a morsel of food has passed through these lips since Thursday. And I'm cool with it! I've never felt so good. (Well, without sex being involved.)

I KNOW! Amazing, ain't it?

I'll be doing this through the weekend, 10 days in total. If all goes as it has been going at one pound per day and with this incredible energetic feeling, I'll be 10 pounds lighter and definitely a force to be reckoned with. Now, if only I could grow a couple of inches taller.......

Ya wanna a piece of me? Check me out this time next week.


Tug said...

I would fall apart. Literally. Fat & grease is all that's holding this body together. ;-)

Sassy Blondie said...

Criuser-Calorie restriction would work better and have more permanent results. As soon as you start eating again..be careful! Of course, if you like your lemonade drinks, you can keep those in the rotation with food.

I worry when I hear things like this...that's just who I am. Try to limit your caloric intake to 1000 a day and supplement with a nutritional shake. Same feeling but much better results that last! :)

Just Sayin' said...

I'm all in... As long as I can substitute spring water for vodka... Whaddya' think?

Swishy said...

Oh my gosh you are BRAVE! I wouldn't last an hour.

The HOR blogger said...

You're seriously not eating any food for 10 days? Cruiser you're gonna make me come out of my hor-guise and fall strait into personal-trainer/nutrition student mode.

Breath. Ok, I'm breathing, I'm calm and I'm not gonna preach. You're gonna do what you're gonna do.

But DANG IT cruiser if you start feeling the SLIGHTEST bit weird, queasy, or damn it DIZZY or faint or just ANYTHING you get your ass a small bottle of juice of some sort and sip that bitch slowly. Wait a little bit and then get your but some frigging food. Light food like they'd start you off in the hospital like apple sauce or a small turkey sandwhich.

Jesus Enola Gay are you taking a multi-vitamin with this regimin? Crap do you KNOW what your body does when you starve it? It eats your muscle along WITH some fat so it can get protien! And your bones cruiser - CALCIUM ! Our bodys don't joke around and you'll start leacing calcium if you keep it up too long. Do you want osteoporosis???

SHIT!! I'm sorry, I apologize. I hope you keep feeling energized and great and wonderful and I'm sure you'll be just fine. Good luck to you and congrats on the crazy amount of dicipline you're showing.

But for the love of Mike quit after the 10 days ok? Promise so I won't have a heart attack?

Ok, ok, good luck and more power to you :)

tdawg said...

Ooh CM, egads, you are scarin' me! I'm all for a cleansing, but I really can't imagine not eating food for that long. I don't think that I would last for even 2 days like that. I hope you are doing this under some sort of health practitioner's care. I don't want to hear about you passing out somewhere from all this. That being said, I hope you reach your goals safely & feel better when the 10 days are through. Let us know if you start hallucinating though!

puerileuwaite said...

This ties in nicely with my fantasy of making love to you as "The Lemon Song" plays in the background.