Life Is A Lemon

See that fruit up there? Yeah. That's what I've been living with for the past four days.

Ya see, something got into me and I decided I'd punished my poor little body long enough with all my shenanigans. It was time to take charge and make some improvements.

Don't worry, my little chitlins, like most of my schemes, this is only temporary. This is not the end of fun for CruiserMel. Shut your mouth!

What really happened was a shopping trip for some fall clothes. Oh, the horror. I tell ya, it was awful. And I don't play like that.

So - I heard from a friend about something called The Master Cleanse. Have ya heard of it? Well, if you haven't yet heard of this thing, you're going to hear about it now.

I know how much you people like to write about / hear about poop, but I just can't bring myself to write about that now. Probably ever. Why? Because I've been close pals with my bathroom habits over these past 4 days. Believe me. Just believe me.

Basically, the Master Cleanse is one that detoxifies the body and, if done religiously, should result in better health, better eating habits, weight-loss (yay!), and mental / spiritual clarity.

I'm not quite sure I'm in this thing for the clarity, because I kind of like the comfortable fog I wander around in most of the time, but that weight-loss is pretty sweet. Oh yeah, blah blah blah....better health and eating habits....whatever. (You just know I'll be dialing me up some Domino's as soon as I go back on regular food. Rewards, honey, rewards. Oh all right, I'll add a couple of veggies to my turkey pepperoni. Happy now?)

In the meantime, I start every morning with 32 oz of spring water with sea salt mixed into it. Did you read that? Thirty-two ounces. No, not in enema form - but by mouth. To say this little chore is a booger would not be an untruth. This is the foulest thing in the world. It's a good thing I do this before fully waking, because I could never do this with my eyes open. I've yet to figure out a palatable way to do this other than just gulping it down and praying I don't puke it right back up into the kitchen sink. Cold. Hot. Warm. Room-temp. Doesn't matter - it's plain awful. But it's integral to making this cleanse work.

Then after that literally passes, usually within the hour, I am set for the day. At least six times a day I have a yummy glass of lemonade, of sorts. It's the juice and pulp of one organic lemon, mixed with spring water, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. Did I just lose you? C'mon back - this part is actually the good part. I've grown really fond of my little lemonade drinks. Seriously. Who knew a person could crave lemons? I have never been one to put lemon in my tea or even one who likes lemon meringue pie. Okay, lemon squares = best part of going to bridal and baby showers. But I digress...

Between lemonades, I eat nothing else at all and drink nothing but spring water. This leaves out all forms of bourbon or vodka and certainly leaves out all things pizza-like. I've checked it out and basically, these things are no-no's.

But ya know - bear with me, I'm not possessed by the devil - I'm diggin' it. Not a morsel of food has passed through these lips since Thursday. And I'm cool with it! I've never felt so good. (Well, without sex being involved.)

I KNOW! Amazing, ain't it?

I'll be doing this through the weekend, 10 days in total. If all goes as it has been going at one pound per day and with this incredible energetic feeling, I'll be 10 pounds lighter and definitely a force to be reckoned with. Now, if only I could grow a couple of inches taller.......

Ya wanna a piece of me? Check me out this time next week.